


Can you mend the broken?

by glitterhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 10:49:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15683904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterhowell/pseuds/glitterhowell
Summary: Dan's struggled with his depression his entire life until he met Phil. Life was good until one day it just wasn't





	Can you mend the broken?

**Author's Note:**

> If you are easily triggered I advise you to read the tags and then decide for yourself to read or not.
> 
> I vowed to myself to never write anything sad without it ending happy but this came into my brain and had to write it down.

For as long as he could remember, Dan had struggled with depression. He remembered being shuffled around from doctor to doctor. He remembered that with each new doctor came a new diagnosis and the new medication to go along with it. What he couldn't remember, however, was a time where he was truly happy. That was, at least, until he met Phil. Phil didn't cure Dan’s depression, but he made him want to get better, which was something he had never wanted to do before.

Phil never judged him. And when Dan was having one of his bad days, Phil made sure that he was taken care of. It might not have seemed like much, but Phil always knew when he was having a bad day without even being told.  On days like this, he would try to get Dan to eat something, make him tea, or give him a cuddle, if that was what he'd needed. During these episodes, though, it wasn't uncommon for him to not feel like cuddling. Sometimes, he just wanted to be left alone. But Phil never complained. Instead, he'd leave him alone for the most part, only popping in to make sure he ate something.

After moving in with Phil, and a bit of encouragement from him, Dan finally decided he wanted to get help. It took several failed therapy appointments that had ended in tears, but he finally found a therapist he liked. After he started therapy and got put on some new medication, he felt normal for the first time in his life.

For a while, he was consistently happy. He was able to go longer and longer without having any bad days. They would still happen, and Phil was always still there to take care of him, but they had become few and far between. He was finally able to live his life. He was able to make more videos than before. He was even able to write two books with Phil and go on two world tours. He was the happiest that he had ever been.

"But, like all things, that happiness couldn't last forever."  Not long after their second tour, some of Dan’s symptoms of depression had come back. At first, he hadn't even noticed, as it had happened so gradually. It started with the writer's block. He had began to find it more and more difficult to come up with new video ideas, or to have any creative thoughts in general. He had dismissed it as just a part of getting older. He’d also been putting out content for so long by then, it made sense that it would start to get harder to think of things he’d never addressed before. He figured that maybe he just needed a break and then afterward, the ideas would start to flow again. But that never happened. Instead, he found himself sleeping a lot more and avoiding all contact with people. Including Phil. He would hole himself up in their bedroom for days on end, locking the door which would force Phil to sleep on the sofa.

Then, the guilt had started flooding back in. He would feel guilty over the smallest of things. He would feel guilty every time he was too exhausted to do the dishes, which would always result in more work for Phil. He would feel guilty every time he was too tired to get out of bed and Phil would end up taking care again. 

After a while, he pretty much stopped eating and had relapsed into his old habit of self-harm, something he’d been clean of since meeting Phil. 

It had been a particularly bad day already. For the first time in a long time, Dan had woken up early. He’d even had a bit of motivation and energy, so, he decided to answer some of his and Phil’s emails that they had gotten while they were on tour. Most of them were the typical emails that they always got. But, hidden away in page five of their inbox, was an email from the people who made their merch. There had been a mistake and there was a whole bunch of people who had ordered things that they never ended up getting. They were going to have to refund a lot of money and disappoint so many people.

To try and get his mind off things he decided to go on Twitter. Which was a mistake as people had the hashtag #WhereIsDansVideo trending. He’d promised everyone a new video two weeks prior, but he still had no idea what that video was even going to be about.

So, when Phil had offered to go get them both something to eat, Dan jumped at the opportunity to be alone. Which is how he found himself curled up into a ball on their bathroom floor. Sobs ripping through his body. He just couldn't do this anymore. He was just so tired of feeling empty. Feeling alone.

Phil would miss him, he figured. But eventually, he would move on. He would find someone worthy of his love. Unlike Dan. Who definitely wasn't. Dan was just a burden, he thought. Someone that Phil just had to constantly take care of. 

And the fans would miss him, sure. But they would all move on. There were so many other Youtubers out there. 

He knew his family wouldn't miss him. Yes, his parents loved him. In their own way. But they had never been happy about having a gay son. They had expressed to him several times that they wished he would have just become a lawyer. Just settled down with a nice girl to have a family.

Another violent sob wracked through his body before he crawled his way over to the sink, opening the cupboard under it. He started throwing things to the side carelessly until he found what he was looking for. 

He sighed in relief when his hand found the small box taped to the inside of the cupboard. He ripped it down and opened it. His only thought being  _ get rid of the pain, get rid of the pain _ . 

He pulled the silver blade from the box looking at it for a moment before pulling his sleeves up. His arm was already littered with scars. And a few fresh cuts.

He took the blade and began to drag it slowly across his wrist. He hissed at the pain, but didn’t stop. He just continued to drag it all across his arms. 

His mind went blank, his vision blurry. He didn't even realize what he was doing anymore. 

When his vision returned to normal and he was able to properly think again, he looked at what he had just done. There was a lot of blood pouring out of several deep gashes on his arm. And it was beautiful. 

The tears had finally stopped and he breathed out another relieved sigh. It didn't take long for his vision to start to fading completely. There was still blood coming out of his wounds. He closed his eyes prepared to let the darkness take him when he heard the front door slam open and Phil yell from the lounge.

"Dan! I'm home!"

_ Shit _ , he thought to himself. He couldn't let Phil find him like this. He mustered all the strength he had left and attempted to grab a towel to stop the bleeding. But, at this point, he had lost too much blood. He was unable to do anything but fall over onto his side. 

He was almost in complete darkness when he heard Phil again. This time, closer to the bathroom where he lay.

“Dan, where are you?”

He let out a small whine as he laid pathetically on the bathroom floor. This was the end. He was accepting his fate. 

His vision was just about gone when the bathroom door pushed open. He heard Phil scream.

"Dan! Oh my god! What did you do?" 

But all Dan could manage to do was whisper a soft, “ _ Sorry, _ ” unsure if Phil had even heard him. 

The last thing he saw before being swallowed by the darkness was Phil's beautiful blue eyes. Wide, and welling up with tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and Kudo's are always appreciated! 
> 
> Come say Hi at  
> glitterhowell on tumblr  
> @gIitterhowelI on Twitter
> 
> Not beta-ed


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